encoded notions

Downstairs

Harold groggily opened his eyes.

He was in the study in his basement. He found this odd, since the last thing he could remember did not involve stairs, but rather the intent to look for a soda and then pop, the lights went out.

And stranger yet, he was firmly attached to his chair.

And furthermore, why did the back of his head hurt so damn much?

“Ah, I see you’re conscious again. That’s great. Now we can begin,” cackled Julie from the adjacent room.

Harold gasped. Why hadn’t I seen this coming? he thought. How did she surprise me, of all people? Then it dawned on him, if she’s operating completely on unpredictable impulses then I wouldn’t have noticed anything. She’s a sneaky little devil.

“We’re going to have a revealing little chat. First things first: Do you admit to toying with my life for entertainment value?” asked Julie.

“What would ever make you think that?”

“Maybe because anytime I think something is going to work out, something happens that munches or mangles my free time to bits.”

“And you think that’s me?”

“Well it’s not the Tooth Fairy…that’s for sure. Besides, I found this outside my professor’s office last Friday. That’s the day when he assigned a ten-page paper due on Monday. Goodbye weekend.”

In her extended hand, was a business card:

H. Time
Father of Time, COO of Universe, LLC.
42 South Bend Road
Eternity, NM 87015
visits by appointment only
(To make an appointment, just show up. If you make it here, then I can see you. If you are detained, or otherwise are unable to complete the trip, then I was busy.)

“This is how I found your house.”

“I thought I was one card short, blast. Since I can’t hide the truth anymore, I guess you won’t mind me asking something.”

“Go ahead.”

“How’d you like what I did last Friday?” he chuckled.

“Oh, that was wonderful, if you associate screaming into a pillow for 20 minutes with things being wonderful. I really do hate you.”

He laughed again, and this time she reacted by picking up a fencing foil from a nearby table and poking him in the upper torso with it six times.

“Ow!” he shouted.

Julie spoke very clearly, “While you were unconscious, I took the liberty of doing a little unsupervised shopping.” With that, she removed the cloth covering the table and unveiled an impressive array of very nasty looking items. Harold shuddered.

“Let’s move on to another question.”

DING DONG! sounded the doorbell upstairs.

“Someone’s at the door, Julie.”

She sighed. Julie peeled off a fresh strip of Duct Tape and placed it firmly over his mouth and said, “Don’t make a sound.”

Up the stairs she trod and opened the door to reveal a FedEx exployee. His nametag identified him as Bob.

“Hello, miss,” Bob said as he stepped through the open doorway. “Where’s Harold?”

“Umm…I didn’t exactly say that you could come in yet,” Julie said sounding rather surprised.

“Ah, but Harold did. Since I made it to the house, that means I’m on time for the appointment I just made.” He showed her one of Harold’s business cards.

“He’s quite occupied at the moment,” she said, trying to encourage Bob to leave her alone with Father Time.

“I’m sure he is, but I must speak with him,” Bob insisted.

“About what? Can’t you just leave the package here?”

“What package? Oh you misunderstand the purpose of my visit. I’m here to discuss FedEx’s corporate future with him. You see, Mr. Time helps us get our packages delivered faster than our competitors. A few years ago, someone high up in the UPS heirarchy signed his soul away to Satan to speed up their deliveries. Instead of making a one-time deal with Harold, FedEx decided to draw up a ‘floating agreement’ with him that can change over time. We find it works much better than UPS’s strategy.”

“Did your marketing department get wind of this yet? Because if they do, then I can just imagine the slogan: ‘Ship your packages anywhere on the planet in just two seconds with our new Infinity Class shipping option’.”

“Fortunately, they haven’t heard anything yet, though people are starting to pry a bit too much. But I digress. I must speak with Mr. Time now.” As he finished his statement, he began to roam the house, looking for Harold. Julie was powerless to stop him, and when he reached the basement stairs, she took a deep breath, and held it.

“Oh, there you are Harold,” Bob said, sounding surprised. Then upon seeing the bonds holding him to his seat, he gasped, “What happened to—” And then promptly fell to the floor.

She lowered her stick for the second time today.

“I’m so sorry, Mr. FedEx Guy,” mumbled Julie as she began dragging him across the floor. She looked to Harold, across the room. He glared at her. She thought to herself, Something tells me that I’ll be needing more Duct Tape before the day is out.